Red Miata

I keep in touch with a lot of my freinds (especially people on here) through aim, yahoo and other instant messengers. A lot of you may see me online on a friday night and think to yourself,"Self, this guy lives in the DC metro area. Why isn't he out getting into trouble and painting the town red?"

The answer to that is usually because I almost always work at eight am the next morning. I like to think that I am past the stage in my life where going to work hungover is the cool thing to do.

This is the story of one of the nights that I did go out and tie one on. It started with my buddy Ginger poping into town for the weekend. We both enjoy our beer so we hopped on down the road to this little joint Rustico. We had some beers, then some food, then some more beers. Leaving there with a pretty decent buzz we headed down to Murphys in Old Town. There was an Irish type cover band on the the stage and the beers were flowing.

A few pints of Smithwicks into our night two ladies walk in and sit down at the bar next to us. One has a horrible haircut similar to that of a pervious girlfriend of mine. Who comes to an "Irish pub" and orders a Miller Lite? These two, thats who. So, me being the drunken ass that I am, I make a snarky remark about their choice of adult beverage. My copious amounts of wit and charm obviously offended them ( I only say this because I have no idea what I said, I only remember the looks on their faces).

Short haircuts reply was thus,"Well you need to go take care of those sideburns."

A word about my sideburns. In high school I wasn't manly enough to grow sideburns in the right way. After infantry training and airborne school a pair of cojones were issued to me that were too large for my small frame. They still are but they helped me grow sideburns when I got out from under AR 670-1 (Army uniform regulations and grooming policy). I had to cut them down again when I went to culinary school. Needless to say, now I am kind of proud of them. This chick messed with a (albeit it really drunk) bull. She was about to get the horns

"Well sweetie, you need to go take care of your face."

Sometimes that mental filter that keeps me from saying dumb and obnoxious things obviously malfunctions.

Around this time in my evening things are a little fuzzy. I was pretty much blackout drunk. Most of what I know past this point I had to get from my friend Ginger the next morning when I was so hungover I was puking up water. I do know that there were shots of Powers Irish Whiskey involved. I also know that I continued to give those two girls a hard time. I gave them such a hard time that when they finished their beers and got up to leave they asked us to come with them. Some women are obviously dumb enough to be attracted to assholes. I told them to have a good night and turned back to my beer.

This is also around the time I started yelling at the band to play Black and Tans. They played it for me and then I was yelling at them to paly it again. Go figure.

So Ginger and I somehow, through great lengths of logical process I am sure, came to the conclusion that we have had enough for that evening and manage to pay our bar tabs and leave.

I know this because my wallet had my debit card in it the next morning. We catch a cab back to my apartment because I am dumb but I am not an idiot.

The first red light we pull up to is when the magic happens. The windows are down because its a warmer night and a gentleman pulls up next to us in a red miata convertible. My voice volume control obviously goes out the door when I am drunk because I proceed to say, knob turned up to eleven,"You know how I know that guys gay?"

I am sure both Ginger and the cabbie are shaking their heads at this moment.

"Because he drives a red miata!" I yell as I answer my own question.

I am sure I got a look of disgust and confusion from the Miata driver at this point."I know because I have gaye friends and they all drive red miatas!" I continue.

Thankfully at this point the light turns green because I am in no state to defend myself. Both Ginger and the cabbie are in stiches as we make out way back to my apartment. I guess all the women were right....I really am an asshole.